I awoke this morning feeling much better than I did several hours ago, having watched the footage from my most recent Sugar Plum Fairy performances in Corona, California.
It was one of those moments where I began to (once again) seriously question my abilities as a ballet dancer, much less a dancer in general. All I could see in the video were flaws.
Bad posture. Weak feet. Stiff arms. Bad posture. Missed that turn. Bent leg. Shoulders hunched. Leg too low.
In some ways, I wondered if this round of performances was not worse than the year before. However, I decided not to dig up the older footage, assuming I hadn’t burned it all up already.
I took a deep breath and smiled at that woman from just a few months ago. She was doing the best she could with what she had at that time. And, I recall the audience enjoyed it. Well, whether or not they actually did, I know I enjoyed it. And hey – if I am not loving what I am doing, then why the hell continue?! That would be madness of a sort that goes beyond the pale of… of anything I can imagine at this moment.
So, this morning: I awoke and gave gratitude. I acknowledged that I have a long way to go towards becoming the level of dancer I envision in my mind’s eye. To be honest, I don’t know if I will achieve this vision, nor do I know if I will even come close. However, I wrote this in my journal last night (or rather, this morning at 1am before collapsing into the sweet relief of sleep):
I just watched footage from my last Nutcracker Sugar Plum PDD. My God. Awful. Is it – does it seem awful to me because I am now training at such a fine, professional-level studio? Am I being too hard on myself? Am I expecting too much of myself? Am I simply delusional? And, am I wasting my time in the wrong entertainment game?
Georgia: the answer to all of these questions is “keep going.”
It isn’t about wrong/right, good/bad, fail/succeed, perfect/suck. It is about following your heart’s desire while listening for guidance from God… Who or whatever “god” is.
Do more pilot auditions to hone your craft as an artist. Forget about booking, about the results, for now. Just for now, focus on the path, the journey –
You are on an incredible journey – an adventure of a lifetime – keep going. Set goals and accomplish them or don’t – just keep going. Breathe. Give gratitude and have fun along the way. Keep going. Keep sharing your journey. You are just beginning to scratch the surface of your talents! Smile. Breathe. Let go. And