I keep putting off my blog post about dancing with Mr. Kelley.
Because, it’s uncomfortable.
Going back to old memories, be they happy or sad, feels difficult these days. It means recalling moments of disappointment, and at the same time, moments of utter joy. Moments with my mom. And I don’t feel like crying this early in the day. Life is so good right now. Sometimes, it feels like my inner id wants to mess with that. Just because it’s bored. But it will only go so far. It will toss a few strange dreams my way, create some friction where there should be none, then sit back and wait for the action. However, I have learned how to recognize Mr. Id’s sneaky ways, and while I do subscribe to Steven Pressfield’s belief in “Resistance,” I also believe in living in the moment and embracing HAPPINESS, even if it means putting off an uncomfortable blog post first thing in the morning.
It occurred to me yesterday, as I stood in the studio preparing to run Snow again (Nutcracker reference), that this is my life now. And, rather than worry about whether or not my body can handle it, or if my heart will stay with it, or if I’ll ever get into another company, do I want to be in a company, will it even matter, blah blah blah, I could just focus on the task at hand, do my job, and RELAX.
Seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it? Yet, for me, this is a revelation. Mr. Id has always, as far back as I can recall, enjoyed running the gears in my brain at hyper-speed, jumping from one goal to the next, worrying about the future, the past, and never allowing peace to settle in for more than a few minutes. Peace meant acceptance. Acceptance meant stopping. Stopping meant failure. This was what made sense to me for years, and it is why I felt… not happy since the age of 5, I believe. Of course, I had many, many moments of happiness! I do not regret the things I did or the places I went, not even the mistakes I made. I do regret that, throughout all of it, Mr. Id made me feel uncertain. Unsafe. Ungrounded and unstable.
This summer brought back some of those feelings due to the new workload of dancing and rehearsing. It brought back some of the old fears I had left behind in my subconscious from my last stint as a professional ballet dancer. It is time to go into the attic of my soul, my spirit, and clean out those leftover boxes sitting in the corner. My acting coach in New York always told us that until we were ready to handle our past, it would not reveal itself to us. That gave me comfort then. Now, it gives me strength.
As my technique continues to improve, I connect my slow but steady progress physically to what is happening mentally within. A parallel progress, if you will. When I realized during Mr. Kelley’s piece that I would need to improve my penché to get it to 180 degrees, I told my fellow dancer “don’t worry, I’ll get it.” He replied, “I know you will, Georgia. You’ve gotten everything else so far!”
Take that, Mr. Id.